My name is Seyi, and I am a perfectionist. And I don’t say that to sound cool. Or in a lighthearted manner. After sitting with myself down and really thinking, it dawned on me that I am a perfectionist, and it has somewhat been mentally debilitating. Let me explain:
Growing up, I strived for perfection. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend. Just…perfect. I was, what people would call, a goody two shoes, teacher’s pet, etc. I didn’t like a hair to be out of place, or at least, I didn’t want people to see a hair out of place. I would do things and force myself to do them excellently so people could give me praise. I HATED criticism and feedback (and I can admit, I still struggle with that today).
When I set out to do something, I was going all the way with it. There was no such thing as quitting, or setback, or taking a break. No no, not for Seyi. I wanted needed people to tell me how good I was, to acknowledge the work I did, or to, at the very least, tell me “good job”. And if I didn’t get their seal of approval, I felt like I had failed, miserably.
I’ve thought this way for most of my adolescence and current adulthood. And finally, at 28, I’m realizing how debilitating and toxic striving for perfection is. It’s a crippling mindset that puts unnecessary expectations on yourself. It’s held me back from pursuing things or sharing things because I didn’t feel that I was good enough or said thing wasn’t perfect enough to share. It wasn’t until my mom passed away in 2016 that a shift began to happen. What seemed so important became quite trivial. My propensity to be miss perfect reduced drastically (but, there was still some residing, buried deep within).
And for the first time, I’ve been able to sort of put into words how it feels to trapped in this perfectionist world. It’s as though I have been in a simulation, going through the motions of me, but not actually being me. Everything I was doing was for others to tell me how good I was at it. Even now, I catch myself in that same thought process. Seeking validation, hating constructive criticism, not releasing things until I deem it, PERFECT.
Just Start. It doesn’t have to be 100% the first go round. Nothing ever is. But just do whatever it is that you want to do. I read that one “symptom” of being a perfectionist is procrastination. Wild right? The thought is that, if you don’t do something, you simply cannot fail at it. And wow, that hit me deep. I’ve put off so many things because I was afraid that I would fail, or that the final product wouldn’t be up to my standards. But, it’s simply impossible to try and level up without going through those periods of progression.
Progress, not Perfection. This is a phrase that Pastor Michael Todd used once and it has resonated with me so much. It’s become my new mantra, honestly. When things are perfect, I now say “progress, no perfection”. It helps me center myself and brings me back to reality. It lets me know that I am doing what I can, with what I have, and most times, that’s all you need.
Being Flexible. I don’t like leaving things to chance. I like knowing exactly when, where, why, and how something is happening. Because of that, I am working to actively release and allow the pieces to fall where they may. I would say this gives me a level of anxiety that I most definitely rather not have, BUT, I also know that with time, it’ll become 2nd nature.
Limit Overthinking. There are moments where I find myself in a whirlwind of thoughts and before I know it, I’ve delved deep into an overthinking abyss that I can’t pull myself out of. So when I catch myself over processing the small things and trying to piece it all together to make it perfect, I just stop. I pause, take a deep breath, and shift my focus elsewhere.
As we continue 2020, I am on a mission to do some serious internal repairing. I’m realizing there’s a lot that needs to be mended, and although the work may be a little painful, it’s completely necessary.
So, here’s to less perfectionism and more life living-ism.
Until next time…
